Uncle Primo: Child Protector

This weekend I am logging in my most hours as child protector on my own. Meg and Nate are going to a party out of town, so it will be me and the kiddos from the early evening and throughout the night. You might have noticed I call myself the child protector, that's because I feel the term babysitting is a little too feminine. I've also been called a manny...so from here on out, I am the child protector. Make a note of it.

I am looking forward to this challenge. I am confident in the abilities I have been training for since I arrived here. My first order of business will be choosing my favorite cousin for the night. Stella and Sam will compete in a few events and finish with an obstacle course at the end and the winner will be crowned my favorite for the rest of the evening. He or she will get almost all of my attention, while the loser will be shunned and ridiculed for such a poor performance. They gotta learn they have to earn my respect.

My only worry is a poopy diaper. You would think I have mastered this art by now....I have not. I have put one diaper on Stella, and the finished product turned into what the kids call these days, a low rider. Since that unfortunate episode, I have not been asked to change a diaper again. I think this mainly has to do with my ability to hand off the child that does the dirty deed and run like hell. My dear cousin Seth told me all of the horror stories of newborn baby doo doo and how it resembles black tar and smells just as bad. That was all I had to hear. If Stella or Sam even passes a little gas, I simply lay them on the changing table, yell for Meg or Nate, and hide in the closet, garage or whatever tight space I can fit myself into without being noticed. This has been a highly affective maneuver. I know what your thinking...What will you do if they fill their drawers without someone to help? Way ahead of you my friend. I have purchased plastic jumpsuits for the little tykes. Just your basic, run of the mill jumpsuit that happens to have cuffs located on the wrists, ankles and around the neck. That way no smell can grace us with its presence. I bought two for both of them. So, right before they go to bed, I'll take them out back and hose em' down real good. Then slip on suit #2 and it will be time to hit the hay.

My main concern is this reoccurring nightmare I've been having as of late. This is pretty bizarre so stay with me. After Meg and Nate leave, everything is going to plan. Then the next thing I know I wake up in a daze and my feet and hands are tied up. After I get my wits about me I notice Stella and Sam huddled in the corner having a very intense conversation. When they realize I'm awake they make their way over and start making their demands. Oh, before I forget, Stella has a British accent and a very foul mouth, and Sam (who is walking around pretty well for a four month old) has what I'm guessing to be a Brooklyn accent and also a very foul mouth. I say Brooklyn because he keeps telling me to "Fogetaboutit", or "You talkin' to me?". He's very cliche. Anyway they make some outlandish demands of staying up until 10 and getting all the treats and milk they want. After I reluctantly agree, I usually snap out of it and wake up in a cold sweat...Spooky stuff, right?

This has me a little paranoid at the moment. So every time I've had one of them alone, I get in their face and try and get them to admit this plan. I'll yell, "Alright, the jig is up!", or "I'm on to you, Little!" and wait for a reaction...nothing. I've tried turning them against each other...nothing. Either I'm dealing with some seasoned pros, or a one year old and a four month old...I guess time will tell. But as God as my witness, I will be ready. I feel like my only option is to literally put anything that could be used against me on to the counters. They might outsmart me, but they still can't reach that high...yet.

Stella/Sam: 0
Uncle Primo: 1

That is my nickname if you weren't aware. Primo is cousin in Spanish, and after I heard Nate's nickname was Uncle Tio, which is uncle in Spanish, I thought this was the next best name...Has quite a ring to it...Someday, many years from now, when the kids are older someone will ask who that is as I walk by. They'll look up, pause for just a moment and say, "That's our protector...Uncle Cousin."