Big Sis Lil' Sis

Today is a big day in the Hills family. The baby, aka Laur Laur, aka Lauren, has finally turned the big 2 1. Never again will she order a Dr. Pepper when we go out to eat...yeah right. This monumental day has got me thinking back to the good ole' days when my two sisters and I were the three amigos, or two enemies against one, or every man for his/herself. Let me start from the beginning.

For three years, Ally and myself were the best of friends. Playing, laughing, talking about life...good times. Then we found out another being was to be joining our ranks. Immediately I think, little brother. I can't describe the excitement I was feeling. A little brother to toss the football around with, or go down to the fishin' hole for the afternoon or just hanging out, irritating the holy hell out of our older sister. In my mind I already named him Michelangelo, after my personal hero at the time. (Teenage mutant ninja turtles was my life.) Then, on a brisk Sunday morning in October, Grandma Dean was at our house waiting for Ally and I to get out of bed. She had big news. Michelangelo was here! We raced to the hospital to meet him. I already had my introduction planned out. A friendly punch to the arm to show him I liked to have a good time, but also to show who was going to be running the show once he got out of this hospital. What happened next is somewhat of a blur. A lot of people standing around handing this fluffy pink blanket around and kept saying, "She's precious, or she's so cute." First thought...I'm in the wrong room. Then I was handed the fluffy pink blanket, and I'll never forget it. Mom said, "Jord, this is your baby sister." I replied, "Come again?"
Oh cruel universe, you've done it again! So with a strong face, I left that hospital and vowed these two ladies weren't going to hold me back. I had to find something to use against them and to protect myself. I decided right then and there, I would use all of my power to be...the funny one.

If I were to accomplish this feat, I had to put every ounce of strength into it. I had to be able to take the criticism, the questioning looks, and the always hurtful phrase from Ally, "Don't laugh at him, you'll only encourage him." But I think what helped me the most was accepting humility. That, of course being that not only would I share a room with my older sister, but when she'd had enough of me, she got her own room and I was placed on the bottom bunk of the craziest woman in the house...Michelangelo. It was really hard to explain to my buddies that the memorial dedicated to New Kids On The Block/Hanson was not my doing. And the little kid that always had a jar of Jif, can of pringles, and atleast four cans of half drank pop was just my little sister getting herself mentally prepared for her ninth showing of Peter Pan in the back room...it was actually an amazing performance.

The three of us were actually decent to each other. I don't remember too much bloodshed so that has to be a good thing. But somewhere along the line, Ally and I found new common ground...that common ground's name was Lauren. Anything Lauren did, we found to be hilarious. This always resulted into Lauren running to Mom to taddle...this never got old. We even got Mom to laugh a few times after explaining what Lauren actually did. Then something crazy happened. We all grew up very fast. At some point in all of this growing, Mom and Dad did a wonderful wonderful thing. They moved Lauren in with Ally and I got my own room...just a very classy move on their part. These were trying times for my sisters. Well, more so for Ally because Lauren had this issue of talking in her sleep....I witnessed it a few times from my bottom bunk. She would start talking to the wall, or act like some form of an animal, then I would try to wake her up and she'd start yelling at me like I was the crazy one....really good stuff.

So, we kept growing and before we knew it, our big sis was ready for the next step...college. It was strange not having Ally around. I still remember Lauren's and my first day of school after Ally left. We were both sitting in the truck waiting for her to drop us off at school. Three hours later we realized our mistake and I took over the wheel. And in doing so I found new respect for my older sis, because Lauren even at a young age had a habit of saying she was just about ready which usually meant give me another half hour. But in her absence Lauren and I found our common ground...we became TV and movie junkies. You put us in a room and we can act out every line verbatim from a number of TV shows and movies...as long as it's the office or dumb and dumber.

The growing continued, and before I knew it, I was on my way to college. After a year at the prestigious CCC, I matriculated to K-State and the family get togethers were usually held at football games, or during the holidays. And I found out something very cool. When we all get together, we are a fun bunch of people. I guess since I was around it everyday growing up I took it for granted, but now when the five of us get together we have the best time.
Example: Josh and Jenna Stacey's wedding. The night before everyone went out to have a drink and hang out. We got a huge table and had like 20 or more people there for a few drinks and a good time. At some point, Mom, Dad, Ally, Lauren and myself moved away from the crowd to the end of the table and it was non stop laughter for the rest of the night.

So the growing continued and Lauren made her way up to K-State. Her first two weeks there, I saw her everyday. No complaints, even though she was using me for the internet it was still good to see her. Then she made a lot of friends, and apparently found the internet elsewhere. We could go two weeks without seeing each other...again no complaints, mainly because if she was coming to see me it was always for cash. I feel terrible about it now, because deep down I know I was paying for her addiction to Dr. Pepper, Jif, and the very deadly can of Pringles.

So I guess this brings us to today. I finally got my brother when Ally married Matt, so I don't hold that against Michelan...I mean Lauren anymore. The only bad news is I'm not exactly within the three hour driving distance to be with everyone to help Lauren celebrate, which is a huge bummer. But, all it really means is that it gives her a few weeks to be physically and mentally prepared for when I do make it up there. Because it's not just about the drinking...it's about turning into a jackass and dancing up a storm purely for the enjoyment and entertainment of your family. Like I said earlier, you've got to be able to accept humility.

Uncle Primo: Child Protector

This weekend I am logging in my most hours as child protector on my own. Meg and Nate are going to a party out of town, so it will be me and the kiddos from the early evening and throughout the night. You might have noticed I call myself the child protector, that's because I feel the term babysitting is a little too feminine. I've also been called a manny...so from here on out, I am the child protector. Make a note of it.

I am looking forward to this challenge. I am confident in the abilities I have been training for since I arrived here. My first order of business will be choosing my favorite cousin for the night. Stella and Sam will compete in a few events and finish with an obstacle course at the end and the winner will be crowned my favorite for the rest of the evening. He or she will get almost all of my attention, while the loser will be shunned and ridiculed for such a poor performance. They gotta learn they have to earn my respect.

My only worry is a poopy diaper. You would think I have mastered this art by now....I have not. I have put one diaper on Stella, and the finished product turned into what the kids call these days, a low rider. Since that unfortunate episode, I have not been asked to change a diaper again. I think this mainly has to do with my ability to hand off the child that does the dirty deed and run like hell. My dear cousin Seth told me all of the horror stories of newborn baby doo doo and how it resembles black tar and smells just as bad. That was all I had to hear. If Stella or Sam even passes a little gas, I simply lay them on the changing table, yell for Meg or Nate, and hide in the closet, garage or whatever tight space I can fit myself into without being noticed. This has been a highly affective maneuver. I know what your thinking...What will you do if they fill their drawers without someone to help? Way ahead of you my friend. I have purchased plastic jumpsuits for the little tykes. Just your basic, run of the mill jumpsuit that happens to have cuffs located on the wrists, ankles and around the neck. That way no smell can grace us with its presence. I bought two for both of them. So, right before they go to bed, I'll take them out back and hose em' down real good. Then slip on suit #2 and it will be time to hit the hay.

My main concern is this reoccurring nightmare I've been having as of late. This is pretty bizarre so stay with me. After Meg and Nate leave, everything is going to plan. Then the next thing I know I wake up in a daze and my feet and hands are tied up. After I get my wits about me I notice Stella and Sam huddled in the corner having a very intense conversation. When they realize I'm awake they make their way over and start making their demands. Oh, before I forget, Stella has a British accent and a very foul mouth, and Sam (who is walking around pretty well for a four month old) has what I'm guessing to be a Brooklyn accent and also a very foul mouth. I say Brooklyn because he keeps telling me to "Fogetaboutit", or "You talkin' to me?". He's very cliche. Anyway they make some outlandish demands of staying up until 10 and getting all the treats and milk they want. After I reluctantly agree, I usually snap out of it and wake up in a cold sweat...Spooky stuff, right?

This has me a little paranoid at the moment. So every time I've had one of them alone, I get in their face and try and get them to admit this plan. I'll yell, "Alright, the jig is up!", or "I'm on to you, Little!" and wait for a reaction...nothing. I've tried turning them against each other...nothing. Either I'm dealing with some seasoned pros, or a one year old and a four month old...I guess time will tell. But as God as my witness, I will be ready. I feel like my only option is to literally put anything that could be used against me on to the counters. They might outsmart me, but they still can't reach that high...yet.

Stella/Sam: 0
Uncle Primo: 1

That is my nickname if you weren't aware. Primo is cousin in Spanish, and after I heard Nate's nickname was Uncle Tio, which is uncle in Spanish, I thought this was the next best name...Has quite a ring to it...Someday, many years from now, when the kids are older someone will ask who that is as I walk by. They'll look up, pause for just a moment and say, "That's our protector...Uncle Cousin."

My Brush With Death

Well well well, bet you thought I forgot about this blog, huh?...well, I did forget about it. I was catching up with my big Sis's blogs and realized I had not done one in awhile. Ally happened to mentioned it, so I am acting on it, and boy do I have a story for you...are you ready?
I almost died this last weekend...I'll give you a second to soak that one in. Now when I say almost died, I really mean I caught the flu that is floating around and was quarantined in the game room (a.k.a. the attic) here at the Little Inn. And I wasn't really close to dying...but I felt the need to grab your attention from the get go.

Now I know what your thinking, it was probably the swine flu. I can assure you it was not. I did have a craving for pork products, but besides that, it was just your basic symptoms. Upset tummy, tickle in my throat, uncontrollable sneezing and sniffing, slight paralysis in my lower extremities due to no movement whatsoever. So I kept myself in a benadryl haze for a few days and bounced back by the end of the weekend.

This couldn't have been better timing, since the Austin City Limits festival was going on last weekend. I had planned on making an attempt to go, but instead I laid in the exact same position for hours at a time. I did enjoy the daytime TV. Nothing beats starting the day with the price is right, moving on to back to back to back to back court TV programs, and then getting into the real TV shows in the evening. This went on from Thursday til' Sunday. So, what I'm trying to say is, I got ALOT accomplished.

I did watch the K-State come out victorious in the inaugural Farmageddon. I felt bad since I thought I was watching a high school game the entire first half...A little too much of the 'dryl. But I snapped out of it to see us lose the lead, tie it up, take the lead, almost lose the lead and miraculously block a PAT. I am a Hills, so whenever we watch our beloved Wildcats there is a lot of emotion in the room...emotion being cheering, booing, screaming, swearing, hitting, biting, crying, hugging and then a few beers to calm the nerves and get ready to watch the game. So for the first time in my life, I sat in stunned silence when we blocked the kick...I think it was because normally if a K-State game is going to end that way, we always lose. But not this time, Farmageddon '09 was our destiny. So, my optimist side is back and thinking we'll upset one team, and beat a couple of crappy Big 12 teams and possibly go bowling...a guy can dream, right?

In closing, don't forget to get your swine flu shots. If you can avoid shaking hands, or being sneezed or coughed on by some form of a swine, you should come out of this mess with a clean bill of health...but no promises...it's a sick world out there.